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i'm finally writing here again, and its december! i can't wait until spring because winter always makes everything cold and miserable. recently i haven't been going to my art classes because i plan on dropping my fine art course alltogether. i'm going to wait until next year to do a one year graphic design course instead of a two year fine art course. i don't mind college at all, its usually nice and chill. but fine art is something that i don't even want to do, and it drains the life out of me. it was a very stupid idea for me to take fine art when all i draw is anime girls. hopefully my art teacher won't keep getting on my case and emailing me. i hate you chris..
anyway, im not sure if i've mentioned this already, but i've read the newest chapter of hikaru ga shinda natsu. i was absolutely blown away at the twist in 41.2! i should've realized it way back. tanaka has a scar and everything! hikaru ga shinda natsu has to be one of my favorite pieces of media. a big thank you to mokumokuren for sharing such an awesome story!
i'm listening to jack da funk which was composed by hideki naganuma right now. he worked on the soundtrack for jet set radio. i just love his music so much, i wish that he could've worked on a song with perfume, because i know that it would've been the most awesome thing in the world! i love perfume. thats all! i've edited this entry about ten times now, so i'm just going to give up and leave it like this. thank you for reading! stay safe! :-)
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hey! i hope you're doing well. lately, i've been really wanting to get into the tokimeki memorial series, but its kinda tough. a tokimeki game has never never gotten released overseas for whatever reason, even though its super popular. going through the arduous process of downloading old games from the 2000s is quite tricky for me as someone with zero experience. but i'd still really like to try to play one of them! the original mainline games, girl's side, the rock paper scissors one, whatever! they just seem to be really relaxing and nice. winter break is soon, so i think i'll try to download one then.
me and my mom were looking through color swatches to choose the color of the walls in the kitchen. i liked apple white, but my dad is super picky so we'll probably have something different. she got me these cartons of tropical juice that i always used to drink when i was little as well. it still tastes good!
also, i've been going to bed at 10pm every day for about a week. i think i'm finally cured.
thats all! thank you for reading! :)
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hey!its good to see you! the weather really feels like winter now. it felt so nippy yesterday, even though the weather was quite bright outside. i thought it might not get much better, so i'm wearing a sweater today. i'm not sure what its like out there though. sometimes i like how cold it is, because the air feels so crisp. but when winter comes, wind usually does too, and it gets freezing cold. maybe i should break out my winter coat!
anyway, i was playing sweet pool earlier, and i played through the game fully for the first time. i got tetsuo's third ending, and i don't think i could've possibly got a worser ending than i did. there was absolutely no catharsis at the end. everything just felt like it got thrown into absolute chaos and it all blew up and went out in this huge gross spectacle, and then it all went away. there was no security in the fact that even one good thing came out of it, everything was just miserable. no one got a good end, and everyone was a victim. i don't even know how i feel about it, i just feel regret. what could of happened if youji had chosen differently? sadly, he won't find that out, because he's dead. but i can just replay it again.
i've been thinking about erika in that ending specifically. we never get to see her after what happened, and i wonder how she must have felt to find out that her brother disappeared. youji and erika's chat in the hospital was one of my favorite parts of the game, so that thought made me even sadder.
youji never got to follow up on his promise to makoto, and they never got to truly become friends. and if i think about zenya any more, i think i'm just going to wither away. i feel so bad for youji and what happened. he never wanted what had happened to him, and because of his actions he still ended up ruining the lives of the people around him. i wish something good would happen to that guy!
overall, i'm just incredibly sad and disgusted. but i think its a seriously good game, but i don't reccommend it at all. now i have to go through the rest of my day with this knocking at my brain.
thats all! i just wanted to talk about it. i hope you have a good day! please stay safe!
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hey! hope you've been good. the days have been going so fast lately. it feels like it'll be december in no time! i like christmas, and my sister still believes in santa so she really likes it. i wonder when it was that i realized santa didn't exist? i guess it kinda takes a layer of magic away. i still have no idea what i'd like for christmas. maybe some slippers or a blanket. my dad keeps getting foraging books every year for christmas because he likes preparing for the end of civilization! not sure when that'll be, but its still useful because there are lots of mushrooms and berries around where i live to identify.
i remember when we went for a walk and there were lots of little mushrooms on the floor and he picked one up and ate it. he didn't wash it or anything. after about an hour of searching, i think the mushrooms that we saw are called spring fieldcaps! which got a 3.38 out of 5 rating on the website i found it on lol. he said that they didn't taste like much of anything. we live around a lot of greenery and open fields, so i think that in the spring it would be nice to go out and look for some stuff at the country park thats near us.
i actually woke up at a reasonable time today! i fell asleep playing sweet pool and i had a dream about it where instead of youji and makoto being classmates, they were both apart of some occult club where they were the only two active members. youji came into the classroom and took an extremely dubious and cursed looking necklace out of a locker and they both sat down together, and then the dream ended. ???
.anyway, the dream woke me up and then i went to bed again at about 11 and woke up at 5. and i had a pecan plait and some tea for breakfast. i felt so fancy! i really want another one, but i need to leave some for everybody else as well. i've been eating good lately. white bloomer bread and pecan plaits. holy moly they're good. i've finally been waking up to see the sun lately and i can enjoy looking out of my window again! hopefully my sleep schedule doesn't crash and burn again.
i read the latest hikaru ga shinda natsu chapters last night as well, and i'm starting to think that hikaru might be toast. i'm really hoping that we get a happy ending, but i'm not so sure anymore lol. hopefully they can all save him. what about after that? won't tanaka's company be chasing hikaru for the rest of his life? im praying .. also, the new volume eight cover is crazy. yoshiki looks awesome! i preordered volume 6 in paperback back in september i think, and i completely forgot about it. apparently its coming on thursday now. i still like re-reading it in physical though, so i'm excited!
i have nothing else to say today. thank you for reading! please try pecan plaits if you havent. have a good day!
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hey! hope you've been well. recently, i haven't had as much time to write here. i've been trying to keep up with all of my classes, but its pretty stressful. i guess i don't have much motivation for things lately. i guess because of the end of the year, everything is just kind of a slog now. i'm just waiting for christmas break at this point. speaking of, i heard a christmas song on the radio today! i forgot how early they start playing them every year. it makes me laugh every time. anyway, i've been trying to go to bed early these days. kind of. at least by 12am. so i have three minutes to write this now. i usually just wake up in the middle of the night and i have to lay there for a few hours, which is pretty annoying. i usually get home pretty late, so my day is basically all used up by college, and i lose most of my free time. so i like staying awake late at night. its really quiet as well, which is nice. sometimes i hate nighttime though, cuz i get left alone with my thoughts and i get scared sometimes. but thats why i like watching youtube!
i've been getting chest pains again. i remember spending 3 years wondering if i had some kind of condition because of them. they were so painful and frequent that it really worried me! i knew it was kind of irrational to get worked up over it because i'm pretty healthy in general, but i just hate the thought of having some kind of unknown ailment.
i spoke with my dad about it sometimes, and he hit the nail on the head when he said that they were probably just psychosomatic. i went to the doctors twice and nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and i stopped worrying about it eventually. i'm usually pretty stressed out and i was feeling quite horrible for those three years in general, and after i left school, they went away completely for a while! so its no biggie.
recently, i've been really interested in a new thing lately. what a really normal human sentence. why did i say it like that? anyway, do you ever just get so fixated on something that you don't want to bother thinking or doing anything else, and your thoughts are entirely consumed by this one thing?
i usually have this feeling with two or three things at a time thats less intense, like that time i was into the process of building brick walls, random projects that i'm working on, new games, etc. but whenever i'm just focusing on one thing, i end up completely neglecting my very few responsibilities and the need to eat and sleep. i have no idea why. i just can't think of anything else, and nothing else really matters. its kinda awesome, cuz you really get a buzz when you're doing something related to your interest, but you're also really tired and hungry and gross. i have to calm myself down and force myself to move on and do other stuff, otherwise i'll just waste the entire day! i get so excited my whole body just hurts and i feel sick. but its great!
if i speak then i'm dead, but i played a demo of a game that i've been interested in playing lately, and i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. seriously the best thing that i've discovered since white bloomer bread. its such an insane and wonderful story so far and i feel kind of forced to buy the full game now.
if i keep on about this i'll probably end up going crazy, so i'm going to stop here! thank you for reading, and please stay safe. :-)
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hey! hope you've been well. i haven't written in a few days. i've been kind of busy with doing nothing really. i'm back at college now, so i haven't had the motivation to do much else. i haven't made much art since either, so i'm going crazy. lately i've been playing a lot of games, which i had kind of stopped doing. i used to play videogames for hours at a time, but since i didn't have as much time i stopped doing it. i've been slacking off a little more lately, so i've had more time to throw out the window. after playing resident evil 4, instead of playing bayonetta 1 like i wanted to do i've started playing dmmd instead for some reason.
so far i'm liking it quite a lot! it has a pretty interesting story, and the characters are mostly likeable lol, i like aoba a lot. and the ui is just insane! i was so shocked by how fun it was because i had played tnc before it, and the ui in that game isn't as flamboyant i guess lol. i still love it though! its still so cool 13 years later. the story is super fun to get into, because its just so outrageous. the combination of regular old turf wars and virtual stupid rhyme battles is pretty cool, because they both create this weird mashup of aesthetics that mix together really well. i really like old technology being used in futuristic settings, like how old movies used to think about what the future would look like lol. it makes the game more refreshing because you're not just constantly fighting in one place, at least for me.
i think apart from aoba, my favorite character so far is either tae because shes real funny or koujaku. as soon as he said "you're walking on thin ice, pal" to noiz it just never left my mind and now i like him a lot. he sounded like a middle aged surburban man...
anyway, i've been meaning to eat a lot healthier lately, but i'm not too sure where to start. usually when i get home i'm really stressed, so i just start eating olives from the jar or random junk food, and drink the random juice in the fridge and then i eat nothing else. sometimes i'll make fried egg on toast. i've started drinking hot chocolate more instead of tea so i don't have too much caffeine when i go to bed, but i miss drinking tea. i guess i'll start by eating one vegetable every day. speaking of, i ate a potato today, so that counts. i guess i'm worrying for nothing! i have nothing else to say, so i'll stop here! thank you for reading this far. :-) please stay safe!
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hey! hope you're doing well. happy 1st of november! it'll be december in a month. shocker. i wonder when they'll start playing christmas songs on the radio. anyway, i writ a poem today. its been about 3 years since i've written one. i'm not sure why i stopped. i used to get a lot of my ideas on what to write from the songs that i was listening to, and there would be a certain melody or lyric that i would base my poem on. i like writing poems about romantic love the most. i'm not sure why! but i write about it a lot.
lovers that separate, co-dependent lovers, bitter lovers, grieving lovers, all sorts. but i like writing people that are happy together most of all! i have absolutely no real experience in poetry - i just write down whatever mood or feeling i think best suits the story i'm trying to tell, so my writing is quite bad lol. i write about nature a lot as well.
anyway, recently i've been listening to a lot of goatbed, and i love them. i've also been listening to genesiskeys a lot.
anyway, goatbed has such a unique sound and i love their music! i wanted to recommend them to my dad because i think he'd like them, but because they worked on about 100% of dramatical murder's discography i can't. literally the first thing that comes up when you look them up on youtube is dmmd's ost! the first time i ever heard their music, aoba was on the album cover and i was wondering why he was there. i was quite sad about that. i like sharing music with other people. apparently there are some songs by goatbed in slow damage as well, which is kinda cute. you can hear curriculummachine as well i think. i'm still sad about goatbed though.
i wanna play witch on the holy night! and i wanna play dmc 1! but i have to finish the book that i'm reading first. there are so many things to do in this world. its very fun. i could live for another thousand years and i bet i'd never get bored! it was quite nice outside earlier, but its darker and cloudier though. i like taking photos from my window. i'm gonna go and take one right now!
i ended up taking a picture of something else.
well, i have nothing left to say. i hope that you had a nice halloween. thank you for reading! please stay safe!
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happy halloween! are you gonna dress up? i like seeing other people's costumes. for some reason, i never dress up anymore. i really like halloween, or any sort of popular festivity. people seem to be in a much happier mood and its nice. i like sweets as well. we always get too much, so they last for a while after.
today's entry thumbnail is two creatures that i drew. i was drawing roro and it wasn't going the way that i wanted it to, so i got so sad and had to stop drawing her. i drew these guys instead. the one on the left is themed after a sunflower, and the other a strawberry.
i want to draw more interesting things. i guess thats why i'm not very happy with the things that i'm making right now. but everything'll be alright! i'll draw something that i like a lot more next time. its getting darker a lot earlier these days, isn't it? i get home around 5 or 6 every day, and its already dark by then. i like it, unless its super rainy. i hate it in the morning though, cuz i like the daytime. spring and summer are my favorite seasons, but winter is nice sometimes too. i started reading tess of the d'urbervilles, finally. i had a lot of trouble finding the energy to start it for some reason, and i ended up procrastinating and reading a pdf of the brothers karamazov instead for a while. i don't mind it actually! tess is a very sympathetic character. now i finally dont feel so behind in my class. i just heard a random bang on my wall. its getting lighter now, so i turned my light off so i can see the sky. i'm so hungry right now, so i think i might go downstairs to get breakfast then go to bed. but i'll probably just fall asleep!
lately i've been wanting to play the silver case, so i think i'll get the demo and try it out. i've heard a lot of great things about it, so i'm excited to play it! alright, i'm too tired to go on. thank you for reading! please stay safe. :-)
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hello! hope you're doing well. do you wanna see my best friend momo?
he's cute! and he's always smiling with a funny face. i wish i could look as excited as momo all the time. recently, i've been feeling like i'm being bludgeoned to death. i'm not sure why, maybe because its winter. things always got a lot worse for me when the cold hit. i really hate feeling like this, because i feel like a liability for other people, and i feel terrible about it. it sucks! i wanna do cool things and have fun! but i just feel so exhausted.
i have a vivid memory of a time when i was waiting for the school bus on a terribly cold and miserable winter day, and the world felt so grey. i was just staring at the trees, and it felt like nothing was real. the trees weren't real, my family weren't real, the sky wasn't real, the wind wasn't real. it felt like i had died, and i was just wandering around as a ghost. like a vengeful ghost lol. i was angry all of the time. sometimes i snapped back into reality and realized "wait, i'm alive", but most of the time i was just living in a world completely empty of what made it so special. its a weird feeling to try and describe. my mind was just so clouded and distant, it kinda sucked! luckily, everything from back then is quite blurry in my mind now.. i'm still alive now, and that's all that matters. rather than that super sucky memory, i try and think of christmas instead to cheer me up and look forward to winter.
i love christmas! i like seeing my family and having fun with them. we're having an early christmas this year because my grandparents are going to sri lanka around christmas time. there'll come a day that i'll see them all for the last time, and i'll have to live the rest of my life with them gone. someone that i love so much becoming a memory! what-ifs and the future drives me crazy! its so annoying. i used to think of death all of the time, so much that it scared me to death.. pun.. and i couldn't live my life normally. i thought about what it could be like to die every minute of every day, if i wasn't trying to distract myself. it terrified me so much, i'd just cry about it. how stupid is that? its out of my hands, so what am i supposed to do about it? i'll cross that bridge when i get there. i was just driving myself to hysterics for no reason.
enough of that, i'm sad now. mmm i think i'm hungry. i need a waffle. apparently you're not supposed to eat late at night for some reason, i think its because you can't metabolize your food or something. but i like eating at night because it makes me sleepy and i can go to bed easier. i said my dad could eat my big mac earlier, but i really regret it now because i'm hungry. he better have enjoyed it. i should probably go and eat my waffle before i'm too tired to go downstairs. i wanna show you something before that.
thats all. next entry won't be so negative. have a good day! :-)
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finally.. the first new diary entry! i've finally finished the new diary. i couldn't wait any longer to put it out there, so theres a bit of a juxtaposition between the main site and this new diary lol. i'll start with the main site soon! i decided to redo it again. rather than moving all of the old diary entries here, i just decided to link the old diary because i wanted to preserve it. but man, this took some serious effort. but i'm quite happy with it! it's much more pleasant on the eyes. i do miss the griminess of the older one, but i tried to stick with a mostly dark color palette again. the hardest part of this page was probably matching all of the colors! choosing a font was pretty hard as well, and positioning things... like the buttons.
its strange to think about the fact that even going back by a year, i couldn't imagine making something like this. i never would've thought that i'd get into coding. i'd always wanted to try it, but i thought that it was too hard to even attempt. even if i'm still quite amateur, i'm quite proud of myself!
anyway, if you're wondering why i'm writing so normally right now, its because i'm still in the phase of wanting this place to look presentable, so i'm trying to write as normal a possible lol. i managed to sneak the entry thumbnails back in as well! i was struggling to try and find a way to make it look good. i'm supposed to be reading tess of the d'urbervilles for my english class right now, but instead i'm doing this. maybe i should've taken computer science instead. kidding. i have to read 20 pages every day for 6 days, and then i'll be caught up with the other guy in my class who started super late. i used to read an insane amount, probably because i was so lonely. but i don't read that much anymore. the last book that i read was confessions of a mask by yukio mishima, published in 1949.
it was a nice read. very wordy and jargon-heavy though! the ending is nothing special - nothing dramatic happens or anything. ko-chan is just forced to live the rest of his life after coming to terms with being gay after rejecting the woman that loved him. he's an interesting character, sometimes in a bad way. that was more impactful for me, i guess. the book follows him throughout the different stages of his life, and how he battles with his sexuality in each one. some think that its semi-autobiographical, in which case, mishima is seriously messed up lol. the theme of violence and lust blending together is a big thing. overall, i enjoyed reading it.
i've really been wanting to write about a game that i've been playing recently, but i can't because co-founder of sillian will see it and i don't really want to explain myself. some entry thumbnails that i used are from it. i'm being silenced. well, i hope you enjoyed this pleasant surprise. feel free to email me any feedback or questions and stuff! thanks for reading!
